FUN FACT NUMBER ONE: A man called Richard Elimää translated the original text of Doctor Magnethands from English into Swedish.
FUN FACT NUMBER TWO: I then re-translated it through Google Translate, and the result is beautiful. Somehow, it’s more Doctor Magnethands than it was before. It’s reproduced below.
FUN FACT NUMBER THREE: You can make it even better by putting it through Chinese then back into English.
FUN FACT NUMBER FOUR: You can now play a variant of Doctor Magnethands called Doctor Cítiě shǒu where you mash your suggestions through at least two layers of Google Translate, and back into your original language, until they stop making sense, then write them down and use them as normal. (“More cocaine than you can hold in both hands” became “All the cocaine you can win” which is, you know, charming)
FUN FACT NUMBER FIVE: The official sequel to Doctor Magnethands, DOCTOR MAGNETHANDS’ GRAND CARDVALCADE, is available as part of the Homecoming Collection for the low, low price of NO DOLLARS.
Anyway, without further ado, THE TRANSLATION TRANSLATION:
Doctor Magnetic Hands
A game for three or more full of people
Translated during intoxication
Hello and welcome to Doctor Magnetic Hands! Here you take the roles of superheroes must fight Doctor Magnetic Hands so that he would not destroy the earth by firing his radioactive rocket castle from the moon right into the White House on Christmas Eve. Exactly! It is the plot. You just have to accept!
To play you need a plain A4 paper, a pen per person, a hat or bowl and something to toast with, like beer. Unless you are full before you start playing this stupid game you have however done something really wrong and stop bloody well not to drink until the game is over. Wine works too. Throw in a bit of wine. Snacks also available. Got something to smoke? Cool! This will be a full evening.
Creating characters
Take a piece of paper and fold it in half three times. Tear along the folds so that you get eight strips. Write stupid things on the strips. What this “stuff” means is up to you, but it might be good to stick to the following benchmarks:
Name and identity (“Captain Random,” “Arselmagikern”, “Fotöljkämpen”, “Disaster-Adam”)
Super powers and abilities (“Door Fu”, “Unreliable martial arts”, “eight-pointed monster”, “Thief Art”)
Gadgets (“Children’s Teeth from approximately thirteen children,” “more cocaine than I can hold in my two hands”, “Apples, apples everywhere I go!”, “Dog of the string”)
The point is to write so people tan, either when they hear them, or when they try to use the in-game. Was bombastic. Be vague. Was a little too detailed. Avoid clichés. Try not to be too sexualiserande, avoid implicating any of the participating or doing some sort of combination of the last two.
So … when all is clear – although some will take years left, although it’s rare when they are full, so accept it as the people we are – fold the strips in half and stop those in the Hat … or in the bowl. It is also good to put them in the pocket of someone everyone feels an odd attraction to.
Drag four strips were. One of them is your identity, unless you pulled someone’s identity, which means that you may find at any place. (In a game played a girl Downton Abbey and we had to put scenes inside her., I think she managed to accomplish having an affair with a priest.) These four strips is your character. Check through the idiotic exploits. How will you use them? Is it the name of any alter ego, an enemy or a friend? Would you drink more? Of course you want. I’ll do it anyway.
Create plot
Use strips remaining in the bowl … or whatever you drew from. Pull the three or four at a time. Maybe five. I’m not your mother. Do what you want! I guess you are game master, because you are reading this. It’s quite difficult, almost impossible, to convince someone to be a game master in Doctor Magnetic Hands unless they are me. You will most likely have to take on your role … unless I’m not there.
In all cases. These strips are the basis of the plot as Doctor Magnetic Hands will UGA from to take over the world; or destroy the world. Ah, fuck it. Just accept. Oops, what time is it, anyway?
Think about them and try to use them for something similar scenes. The first scene begins with someone who represents Dr. Magnetic Hands plunges into heroes secret lair and recites that they indeed will never win over Doctor Magnetic Hands. The second scene takes place while they go to the moon … in space. (How did they get there? Discuss!) The third stage is slustriden, which takes place on the radioactive surface of the moon and the end result is to give Doctor Magnetic Hands ironing. Do not try to get it all believable. That’s not what the game is about.
The game mechanics
As the game leader you are, create trouble using the strips as you have in front of you. Never create solutions! It’s the players’ task to describe how they solve the task with the help of what is written on the strips. When the described procedure, which advantageously is mad, so crumple two strips. They are not used anymore. The power is still there, but it will not be used again during the game. The scene is over when you have no strips left. If a player runs out of strips so dying character. Describe the death scene. This seldom happen unless someone does not have to go home early.
Doctor Magnetic Hands
The doctor is with throughout the game in all games played. He has a white lab coat and have fat horseshoe magnets happens. He finds it hard to open doors, even metal doors, because he always has a tendency to stick.
He speaks – and this is important, so it is really important that you take this out – he speaks with some strange Dutch accent. No, wait. Better up! There is an overall European accent. Type the jury judges in the Eurovision Song Contest. If this is something you should have learned from this game, it’s being able to pick up the accent.
Doctor Magnetic Hands knows he’s in a game. He will break the fourth wall if there is one. He never dies. He has only lost this battle.
That’s all
Yep, that was all. That’s the whole game. Play it! If you see me, ask me anything. Cheers!
Thanks to
Jess Townsend found on The Attack of the Killer psychtic undead from under the sea, which is amazingly similar to this, except the fact that you can play it sober.
John “The Todd” Tudball who found the Doctor Magnetic Hands in the first round.
Anyone who has ever played the Doctor Magnetic Hands in all its forms (including Swedish) and, for some strange reason, liked it to such an extent that they wanted to play it again … and again and again.
Grant Howitt, who made the game.
Myself, Richard Elimää, who translated this after half a bottle of Gallo.
Wine!
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