Hey, Fisher! How are you enjoying the adaptable stealth mechanics that work off the atmospheric application of darkness? Bet you fucking love them, don’t you asshole? So you can hide like a little girl?

Hey, fuckface! Your daughter’s alive! How about that? Do you want to get caught up in a convoluted global terrorist plot to take over the United States on account of that fact somehow? Come on, sure you do! I’d be inclined to make a joke about the player being as much in the dark as we are when you shoot out the fluorescent lights in our warehouse, but that’s verging on being clever, so I won’t! Asshole!


Hey Fisher, you doing another brutal interrogation scene complete with context-sensitive torture animations? Yeah you are, you fuck!

Agh! What? Who did that? No, I don’t understand the story either. I don’t any of the writers did, Fisher! I don’t think Tom Clancy’s come ANYWHERE NEAR this project. But you should come near me! You picked the wrong guy to fuck with, asshole!

Here’s how this is going to work, Fisher! You’re going to be inserted into some situations of increasing danger, and you’ll generally have to work your way through them by neutralising or avoiding guards! Except you won’t avoid me! No way, asshole!

If we catch you we’re gonna shoot you in the fucking face, you hear me Fisher? So you’ll have to use stealth to get through, and I fucking hate it when you use stealth to get through! That’s the thing I like least and I’ll talk about it at length! At full volume! You coward! Come out and fight like a real man and stop hiding in the shadows!

I can’t see the target! I’ve lost visual! Did you shoot out the light, Fisher? Real funny, asshole! Trying to make the screen go black and white so you’re invisible to us, are you? We’ll we’re not going to fall for it! We’re going to fire at your last known position instead, and don’t you dare try to sneak up on us!

Holy shit, this guy’s dead! He’s dead! Fisher must have snuck up on him and killed him using a satisfying but somewhat shallow close combat system! Fuck! Everybody stay frosty, whatever that means! This asshole’s out here somewhere!

Hey Fisher, we see you taking a human shield by holding the B Button in combat!

Hey Fisher, are you going to tag all of us using your fancy sonar goggles that see through walls? I bet you fucking are, you pussy! And once you’ve killed one of us in close combat – like that’s ever going to fucking happen to me, asshole – you get the ability to execute four of us in a short, satisfying cinematic, do you, Fisher? If there are more than five of us in any given situation, your ass is MINE, you hear me?


Come out where I can see you, fuckface, and I’ll make it quick! Quick like this game is quick, in that it’s quite a short game! Only you’ll find yourself playing the same bits over and over again, because of the bewildering array of gadgets often serves to confuse rather than aid you, doesn’t it, Fisher? What was that? Fuck! Was it a silenced bullet impacting the wall near me? I bet it fucking was, Fisher, because the accuracy needed to shoot us all in the head is lacking somewhat on the console versions, isn’t it? Shame that only pistols are the only decent fucking weapons in the game, and everything else makes too much noise or is so inaccurate you might as well close your eyes and fire one-handed, Fisher!

No Fisher, we never shut up! Fucking NEVER! Even when we should be scared of the master covert ops specialist crawling through our warehouse, we’ll still keep fucking screaming about where you are or might be to NO-ONE IN PARTICULAR, you fuck! You hear me? We’ll never stop talking until you shoot us in our faces!

Sam Fisher defenstrates a chump

Hey asshole, do you think you can hide from us by hiding on the side of the building?

He’s gone. No, I’m not going to check behind that obvious stack of boxes! Or look up to see if he’s climbed one of the many pipes or ledges that fill these levels! No way am I fucking going in there! Return to your positions, and stay sharp while we explain the plot in terse, shouted phrases. We’ll find you, Fisher, whilst mentioning the names of other important characters and locations in the game! Because we’re fucking badasses!

Hey Fisher, were you drawn in by a refreshing visual motif that includes stark phrases and objectives projected onto walls coupled with gameplay that, in the short term at least, offers a valid encouragement for stealthy close-combat orientated play with a dramatic, rewarding execution system? I bet you were, you fuck! And now you’re crying like a little girl because Ubisoft let you down! Bet you feel that the experience is shallow and curiously disconnected from the gameplay of previous titles! Yeah? You prick!


Categorised in: Action, Console, Review

3 thoughts on “A review of Splinter Cell: Conviction in the style of the guards from Splinter Cell: Conviction

  • Heliocentric says:

    This review is exactly what it needs to be, how did I not find it until now. Bravo.

  • Undead_Sniper47 says:

    LOL, I remember reading this back in 2012, good times.

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