FUCK YEAH DIVINITY ORIGINAL SIN (Guest Post)

Chris got excited.

This is a guest post, and I don’t do guest posts. But my chum Chris got in touch with me via email and just fucking shouted at me about this game called Divinity: Original Sin, and he was so enthused by the whole thing I immediately purchased it. I hope you’ll do the same, or at least appreciate the earnest nature of his enthusiasm for what it is – enthusiastically vulgar.

CHRIS TAYLOR’S REVIEW OF DIVINITY: ORIGINAL FUCKING SIN COPIED DIRECTLY FROM AN EMAIL I JUST GOT

This game. Let me tell you about his game.

It is a turn based Baldurs Gate style RPG. Lots of quests, people to talk to, chosen one plot, the whole stereotypically shebang. It looks ok and runs fairly smoothly.

This game does dangerous and sexy things to my insides.

Here's Chris holding six axes stuck together to form an OMNI-AXE

Here’s Chris, about to do dangerous and sexy things to your insides.

Oh you like RPGs? Excellent. Lets up the fucking ante right here and make it co-op. all of it. you and bro can bro it up bro style in a fantasy land of badassery.

You you and a mate rock up in a town. Oh shit? Some dudes dead? lets solve that by clicking three dialogues and picking the bad dude. WRONG motherfucker. This Raymond Chandler writing a Sherlock Holmes book in Trial of Cthulhu. I am an hour in of investigations, clue finding and interrogations. It has become difficult with the massive erection I have for this game getting in the way.

Pictured: Me, Chris.

Co-op. Pictured: Me, Chris.

So you play “source hunters” better known as “INQUISITORS” Routing out the “source” and destroying it because HERESY. You can be a nice guy. Help the people, befriend psykers, and all that jazz or you can go all exterminuatus up in here and PURGE

Oh, that right, it’s co-op isn’t it? So i want to purge all these heretic assholes from the planet and you want everyone to get along. Lets bring in a relationship system. We can argue our point, use skill roll, a system of rock paper scissors (Which as a rogue i can actually cheat on) and then we make a final decision.

This is what the game looks like, which I realised could never be as exciting as Chris' description

This is what the game looks like, which I realised could never be as exciting as Chris’ description. I don’t even like RPGs.

Everything in the game that isn’t nailed down can be taken. I’ve been selling people sheep and paintings of their loved ones that i STOLE FROM THEIR OWN HOMES AND GARDENS to buy myself some skill books.

Skill books are the business. when you level up it gives you only the capacity to learn more. Want to actually learn how to do some shit? Find a guy who knows how to do it and buy his damn time. Get him to teach you. Either convince him and hell do it for free or part with your hard earned cash to get those rad skills.

Then we get into a fight and shit fucking hits the great awesome ceiling. Its like Charlie and the chocolate factory only with witches and lightning and screaming and swords. Spend action points – do things. walk run flip jump stab cast. throw the environment around and get cover. go invisible and lodge your favourite knife in their spine. Throw a rain spell at fire. put fire out. Boring and standard right? NO YOU ARE WRONG stop interrupting. That water doesn’t just put out the fire. it becomes steam. So we chuck some magic lightning at it. BOOM. thundercloud sparking and wrecking peoples picnics from here to the afterlife.

Here's a ship on fire. Oh dear.

Here’s a ship on fire. Oh dear.

You can be undead. Talk to rats. Be so drunk you come out the other side and get such huge bonuses to some stats but lose the ability to walk and talk for hours. You can fly. navigate traps in a sunken temple and fight of bandits while your bro negotiates with the spectre guarding a tomb of ancient kings. You can talk to rats. I said rats twice because one the rats is fucking gangster. You do not fuck with Lil’ Pepe.

Also, guess what? That was rhetorical. I’M LEVEL 2. I have not yet reached double digits on this shit and these are all things I have done.

If I am not online on steam you are hereby commanded to try this shit out. When I get back from work I’m making a two person party. An Inquisitor and a Sister of battle and I am going to kick in doors and burn anyone who even has a whiff of spellcaster about them. I’m going to subdue the local constabulary because with enough intimidate I AM THE FUCKING LAW.

This is a picture of Chris in 2006, which was the last time he was this excited about anything

This is a picture of Chris in 2006, which was the last time he was this excited about anything