EXCLUSIVE: The Six “Big New Features” on Curiosity

LookRobot has the scoop on what Molyneux plans to do with his tap-'em-up in the near future

Lunatic gaming savant Peter Molyneux has recently spearheaded the design of Curiosity – a game in which tens of thousands of users concurrently tap away at the side of a giant virtual cube in an effort to uncover what’s inside.

Earlier today he announced that “six big new features” are going to be implemented next week. Thanks to the power of guesswork and lying, LookRobot has managed to track down what those six big features are going to be.

Here’s what’s going to change come next week:

ONE. Devices with forward-facing cameras will take a picture of the user’s confused, gormless face every tap and beam it directly to a bank of over one hundred monitors erected in Peter Molyneux’s garden which he watches in unblinking silence for several hours a day

TWO. Integration with popular hole-digging simulator minecraft will see user’s fingers replicated in real-time as giant stabbing monsters that tear the ground apart and mess up all the finely-crafted houses, farms and wang-shaped obelisks

THREE. The Cube can, in fact, feel pain and has been feeling pain all this time; it’s unclear whether the pain is caused by the existence of tiles or the removal of tiles and Molyneux remains tight-lipped on the subject, but ceaseless weeping will now play throughout the experience until the cube is “cured” or “killed” by the removal of all the blocks

FOUR. A magic system will be introduced to the game which will quickly become the fastest way to clear blocks by simply holding down the casting button; Molyneux will simply smile wryly at detractors and say that there’s no such thing as magic and making it the optimal strategy for his game is a comment on the lost innocence of youth

FIVE. Users will be subject to a Moral Choice system, allowing them to make Good Taps (which are difficult and result in white particle effects) and Bad Taps (which are easier and result in black particle effects). Good Taps have little noticeable effect; Bad Taps insert clouds into the UI and occasionally the game will whisper that the user is a total dickbag under its breath

SIX. The Cube is a pan-dimensional ritual that will finally put the wandering spirit known as Molyneux to rest, dissipating his energies back into the timestream. The winner of the game will be consumed in a blinding flash of light via the torch function on their phone and emerge as a new and better-looking Peter Molyneux, ready to save the universe from sub-standard games

BONUS CONTENT SEVENTH THING:

Controversial announcement that the game is in fact a tie-in with OXO-brand stock cubes and at the centre of the cube lies the Secret of Deliciousness; many cube faces will now feature pictures of delicious roast chickens and stews coupled with handy cooking tips